Okay, try not to judge me too harshly as I admit to something I’m not proud of. But first, let me tell you why it happened…
A couple of weeks ago, I got a nasty bug, something that knocked me out for over a week.
I had so little energy, I just lay on the sofa and scrolled Netflix shows. Somehow (this is the not proud part), I began watching a show called Married at First Sight, a reality show where couples meet for the first time… at the altar. I know, ridiculous.
But if you’ve been reading this newsletter for a while, you know I am hopelessly fascinated by humans and how they behave. So, this show was like crack cocaine for me.
It is like a giant petri dish of human behavior. Put two people in a new situation where they know nothing about each other and watch them try to maneuver to get their needs met. Ouch.
Sometimes, it was like watching a horror movie where you find yourself yelling, “Don’t open that door!” I kept thinking, No, no, no! Do not say that! You’re taking that the wrong way! Ask the next question! Other times, I just wanted to tell them not to speak at all, because the other person is obviously tired, hungry, or otherwise distracted.
Even in my foggy, sick brain, it dawned on me that this experience parallels what can happen when people move into a new role or organization in which they have little experience or context. Except here, it’s not just one person they must figure out … it’s many, and they are all embedded in a foreign culture.
Communication is Everything
Situations like these, whether with a new “spouse” or a new role in a new company, are inherently stressful. Starting a new role, you don’t know where the bathroom is, let alone who doesn’t get along with who, your boss’s pet peeves, who has power, who is toxic, how decisions are really made, etc., etc.
For example, on the show, one person very innocently joked with her new spouse about having more fun. Little did she know it touched a hot button for the guy, and given their lack of established trust, it was a huge breach in the early relationship. She had no idea, until a few episodes later when it came up in a counseling session. By then, it was too late.
In another instance, one of the couples seemed to be getting along well. It appeared they were communicating and paying attention to each other’s needs. But it turned out neither was saying what they really thought. They were afraid of giving feedback out of concern they might hurt the other’s feelings and assuming they would just “figure it out.” They too did not make it.
Overall, there were many, many missteps — some egregious, some seemingly benign. All ate away at the relationship. You could almost see the “invisible backpack” of issues that each carried with them — our individual ways of seeing the world — and how oblivious they all were to these differences.
An Insider’s View is Essential
In workplaces, as in contrived TV shows, transitions are hard. Unguided, a person can do significant, long-term damage to their reputation and effectiveness, all while having no clue how they are being perceived. We need to remember how critical those first 90 days are, in particular.
Two things can help…
#1. Input from others.
In a perfect world, every company would do a 360 review at the 90-day mark for senior executives. That provides feedback from across the organization about how a person is being viewed by others.
In addition, and throughout those first 90 days (for new hires at any level), there should be close, ongoing check-ins with a boss or mentor — someone who can provide plenty of insight into how things might be getting off track. In more senior roles, there’s a lot of cross-functional work and it’s always layered with past history and unspoken ways of doing things. Absent this kind of insight, the new person is flying blind.
Meetings should be scheduled with key stakeholders to give the new person a clear understanding of who the different players are, what they do, and how they tend to interact. This also helps to uncover the informal power structure in place.
Taken together, these things help orient someone to their new environment, minimizing unnecessary missteps and miscommunications in the process.
#2. Extreme openness to feedback.
From the very start, new people — leaders in particular — need to be clear about their willingness to receive feedback. With each person they interact, they should be signaling:
I want to know how I am showing up and am eager to understand how things work around here. If you have questions about what I am doing or why, please ask me.
That’s harder than it sounds. Many senior hires arrive with impressive track records and a lot of confidence in how they operate. Especially in those early days, there’s a temptation to lead with authority. But the smarter move is to lead with curiosity. People don’t yet know what you know or what you’re capable of. Assuming otherwise is a mistake.
Finally, if there are even hints of an issue with another person, it’s important for the new hire to go directly to them, to uncover what may be going on. Hoping things get better on their own is a losing approach.
Early Days Set the Tone
Watching strangers try to build a marriage in real time is a painful (okay, and often entertaining) reminder of what’s at stake when someone walks into unfamiliar territory.
The stakes in a new job may be less dramatic, but the dynamic is surprisingly similar. You’re surrounded by people you don’t know, navigating situations you don’t fully understand, and every interaction is quietly shaping how others see you — often before you even realize it’s happening.
Deliberate onboarding and an awareness of how tentative things can be at first minimizes the unnecessary damage. Hold their hands (metaphorically!), provide plenty of communication and feedback, and do everything you can to start people off on the right foot.
And just so you know, I haven’t watched again since I’ve recovered!
